Jobs and services

If you drop a bottle of Moet onto your favourite tiled floor, I can resurrect the floor, but tragically, not the Moet.

Painting

Professional painters, how do they do it? The job must be as stimulating as watching paint dry. The only variety they get is when they change the colour of the paint. Having said that, I’m psychologically equipped for small jobs. If you'd like the LEAD paint heat-gunned off your pressed LEAD ceilings we would recommend you DIY and then call Jim's Funerals.

Fences

Fence posts are often like NSW political parties... rotten at grass roots level, whereas the above ground bits can be ok. If they are ok, why not insert additional posts to keep the boat afloat?

Furniture

See ‘Fence Repair’ and think ‘Furniture’

Gutters

If you want to enjoy a rainforest, don’t grow one on your roof, drive to Wilson’s Creek. Blocked gutters and downpipes, those vertical bits of PVC that make the house look untidy, cause buildings a lot of grief, not to mention the effect the rotting seagull in the gutter has on tank-water enthusiasts.

Decks

Repairs, cleaning and restoration, but if it’s made of treated pine I’ll save you $’s by pulling it up and taking it to the tip (just kidding, but they are more work).

Curtain installation

Extra charge if they’re shockers

Pictures

See Curtain Installation

Mirror Hanging

Pet Hate No 1: manufacturers of 40kg mirrors who are too scared, or lazy, to fit them with hanging fixings. It's like building a car without wheels.

Doors

Apparently hanging doors is a third year subject in a standard building course, so if you give me a straight door and crooked house, the Rescue Remedy’s on you.

Flatpacks

Reminds me of when I had a bowel issue and Googled ‘stools’, only to have IKEA appear, claiming I could create a fabulous stool in half an hour. After eating their cafeteria’s Swedish meatballs I did create a fabulous stool in half an hour but it took two painful weeks to unpack it.

Plastering

Should your spouse punch a few holes in your gyprock wall because she doesn’t feel appreciated, I’m your man. For a lasting job, it’s best that I patch the holes after you contact her parole officer.

Basic Construction

Highly unqualified but better than the two pommie backpacker ‘carpenters’ who built a Byron sauna using 1200 corrosion prone screws. Within three months guess how many rusted screws needed replacement?

 

Roofing

More than one floor up and I'm gravity challenged. Beware the scum 'Roof Specialists' conning the elderly homeowner into purchasing a new roof. 

Flyscreens

Re-mesh or build, can be a pain but with gentle massage I usually manage a happy ending

Cistern & tap leaks

My brother once played plumber in our Mum’s dream home and managed to convert the house into a lap pool. My insurance broker discourages me from carrying out such conversions, but I can offer advice while you turn the spanner!

Shower recess leaks 

Whilst these repositories of all things fungal don't sit high on my list of fave work spaces, I am prepared to get down and dirty to reseal them and rectify leaks.

Winston Churchill once said, ‘I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.’ This may have been more a case of Winston recognising his compatibilities rather than specifying his preferred pet, but regardless, Maintenance Mick could have set him up with a suitably distinguished pig door.

Pet Doors

Winston Churchill once said, “I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.” This may have been more a case of Winston recognising his compatibilities rather than specifying his preferred pet, but regardless, Maintenance Mick could have set him up with a suitably distinguished pig door.

Plastering

Should your spouse punch a few holes in your gyprock wall because she doesn’t feel appreciated, I’m your man. For a lasting job, it’s best that I patch the holes after you contact her parole officer.

Rising damp

An odd description I've always felt for that black gunge festooning the wall behind your pillow. Guaranteed there's a blocked downpipe outside the wall.

Demolition

Recommend Pommie 'builders'

Tip runs

Here’s a tip, keep the loads small.

Garden clearing

Can do, but apart from looks, I’m no Jamie Durie.

Dead critter removal

There's nothing  more uplifting in my illustrious profession than extracting very deceased critters from under the floor of 5 Star guest houses. I don't know why I highlight the 5 Star rating, must be some sort of kudos deprivation thing, because let me tell you, the last possum I poured into a bag was a few galaxies short of 5 Stars.